Fearful avoidant regret reddit I'm not an avoidant myself, but I know a couple of avoidants who are actually more likely to commit to someone who's toxic or unsuitable or not good for them in some way, perhaps because that could provide a natural end date to the commitment, or maybe that's what they feel they deserve, or it's more exciting for them, I don't I feel so awful. I got very attached very quickly because I had never met someone so demanding of love and care in my 24 years of being alive. So I know some of you are avoidants here and might have experienced calling off a relationship because of your fear(s). “I’m reaching out because I’ve been feeling guilty and regretful. I am fearful avoidant and breakups used to take me years to get over. Healing from fearful avoidant breakup regret is a multifaceted and highly personal journey. I am a fearful, avoidant female. ” As much of an uphill battle I know this is, I am AP leaning FA, dating a true FA. What A space for people who struggle with an anxious attachment style to learn more about it (so as to get on the path of healing), share experiences of their healing journey, find support while healing, and give tips and feedback for discovering healthier coping mechanisms, and overall feeling more secure within yourself (and with others). I feel Get app Get the Reddit app Log In Log in to Reddit. It’s just classic. I was a great partner. You broke with her for a reason and that reason still exists. If you stay steadfast in becoming more secure with therapy and self reflection, I think over time you will be - so my ex is a fearful avoidant, after ghosted me for 11 days which i didnt chase her at all because i know the attachment style, we finally talk and she decided to break up with me and think this isnt gonna work anymore. Just because you’re avoidant doesn’t mean you have to play push-pull hot and cold games with your partner. Not because I knew she was an Avoidant although I should have seen the signs, self professing she never had a healthy relationship, the string of emotionally unavailable men she’d been seeing (I’m told I was the one to break this streak), etc. I can tell that you do not completely understand where I am coming from (understandable, since I have only given two paragraphs of context), Fearful Avoidant Question I (22F, FA) am currently in a relationship with my partner (25F, SA) and I constantly swing between breaking up with her or wanting to marry her. 45 votes, 15 comments. I was 18 months with my lovely avoidant, went on vacation, was laying in bed naked and BAM. Or check it out in the app stores Will my fearful avoidant ex come back? the reason she broke up with me because i didnt I'm an avoidant (unsure if DA or FA with dismissive tendencies), and I've been feeling drained when I spend time with my anxious friend. I feel deep regret about losing those years that I could have had fun but didn’t to appease my mom. The avoidant's core wound of being unlovable kicks in and their beliefs of abandonment are reinforced yet again. Psychologists and coaches agree that avoidant people start to feel that the relationship is over 2-3 months after From personal experience as a healing FA and from what I see around here, if: Relief at being out of the relationship > how much they miss you, it’s unlikely they regret it. But I understand because I'm also fearful avoidant, the relentless push-pull inside us of the need to connect (instinct to love and be loved) and the need to be independent (meaning: craving safety). For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth How to deal with breakup regret? I “broke up” with a guy I dated almost 1 1/2 months ago. I reverted back to my OG FA self during the pandemic (along with other mental health concerns) and that’s when I started to look into my mental health/start to heal. Combined or individually, they pave the way for emotional growth and recovery. After all the Learn why fearful avoidants leave you. my subreddits. she did it while crying and said that she didnt want to move on, if i need her she’s still there for me, she didnt want me to leave but also still think that we should break Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. I think she's highly anxious, because she frequently apologizes and calls herself annoying, needs constant validation and feedback in conversations, and wants to be together all the time. " Non-avoidant participation is limited and enforced. I feel pretty confident that I know how A fearful avoidant is constantly swinging between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment. They might pick partners who are avoidant, emotionally. Insights appreciated! The avoidant's core wound of being unlovable kicks in and their beliefs of abandonment are reinforced yet again. When he dumped me, I was so blindsided and my heart was so shattered that it literally changed my life. It was just so crazy cause we got along great and I figured she would work it out. " There is a lot of upset, hurt and anger on Reddit towards avoidant people — especially within relationships and during breakups (which I’m not at all surprised by). I then read into it a lot, scrolled through Reddit to see what worked for other people, talked about it with my counselor. I got in a situationship once with a guy who was fearful-avoidant. Which is what fearful avoidant people, at their core, seem to struggle with the most: trust. And then it just became an absolute shitshow of a roller coaster. Log In / Sign Up; Advertise on Reddit; Is it easier just to live with regret later on and maybe look for non emotional connections instead. She was always extremely avoidant whenever anything minor would come up. You just described what happened to me so well. We were engaged for about 7 months and were planning our futures together. I think this is extremely hard to gage due to how often avoidant/fearful people will stay in relationships for months-years due to things like guilt and avoiding the consequences of a break up. Fearful avoidants don't typically enter into superficial relationships. The breakup was so confusing and she was very hesitant and emotional. I treated someone I love so bad. I am working on going to I have read that they avoid the ones they have deep feelings for out of fear of intimacy, in the beginning there is less intimacy and closeness so they will have sex & as the intimacy I'd say I'm 75% secure, 20% avoidant and 5% anxious. I’m a fearful avoidant with dismissive traits myself, and right now I’m making the most progress while in the new stages of a relationship while in therapy. <Will he eventually reach out to me?> Maybe. Also got the Fearful-Avoidant attachment and also felt disgust towards healthy love til mid 30s. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our caregivers, as well as other influential relationships in our life. I need advice on the NC phase. It made me more resilient in some ways, but also 1- Who are fearful avoidants (also known as Disorganized)? Think of it as people who are afraid of being too close or too distant from others. for the right reasons and 2. I am a Well, I am a fearful avoidant over here. He came on strong and sweet, but the mixed messages were always there, and he told me red flag stories upfront: He had no friends, he had a history of burning bridges, he had a savior complex and was attracted to "crazy" women, he was indecisive and didn't know what he wanted out of life in general. To be Hello, I saw the title fearful avoidant and wanted to ask you something. Expand user menu Open Anyone who fumbled and regret dumping their ex months or years later I've known I have Avoidant Personality Disorder for some time. There is a lot of upset, hurt and anger on Reddit towards avoidant people — especially within relationships and during breakups (which I’m not at all surprised by). I'm an avoidant (unsure if DA or FA with dismissive tendencies), and I've been feeling drained when I spend time with my anxious friend. I can tell I am fearful avoidant and so is the guy that just dumped me. I just learned about the “ick factor” and 100% identify with it. This is Reddit's very own solution-hub. Expand user menu Open settings menu. My most recent ex it was immediately. I (24f) have a best friend (24f) and we are quite literally attached to the hip. I want a relationship, I actually catch feelings way easier than I should, but usually it’s with an avoidant person who doesn’t reciprocate so it’s just me chasing them. In my case, I For the longest time I just thought I hadn't met the right person but I'm confident in understanding myself as the problem. It’s taking me. I am 25f and I can’t stop crying. now that I'm out and (almost) back to my secure self, I realise it was his avoidant behaviour bringing that out in me. That is, you really need to work on building a solid sense of self-worth . Thanks to my ex, I can understand how you feel. (which I fully regret doing and was crying when I asked for apology and even asked how can I make up with you or what does he want me to do). In a perfect world, I think waiting for the FA to contact you would be the best move. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our View community ranking In the Top 5% of largest communities on Reddit {FA} vs {DA} and feeling "trapped" FA with a Dismal_Celery_325 Fearful Avoidant but I've held off quitting Avoidant deactivation is a survival strategy the avoidant has learned from his/her upbringing and relationship with their caregivers. Please respect our space I realized this year that i tend towards fearful avoidant and will often go from completely head over heals to just wanting out of the relationship right away. When she dumped me I tried reaching out a lot. I get triggered by feeling ignored or disrespected. 5 years, on and off. The Fearful Avoidant Paradox I’ll admit I was initially hesitant dating my FA ex. Yup, my last relationship. Do Fa’s regret breaking up? My FA ex and I had a good relationship. These paths offer various options and approaches to suit individual needs and preferences. These other comments suck. For Sounds fearful avoidant - leaning avoidant. I hope you’re doing okay. The way things ended just does not sit right with me so I want to apologize for my behavior that weekend. Funny how easy it is to say that when it’s not you, you didn’t lose something valuable you loved, and you don’t understand how fearful avoidant work. One instance, I’d been feeling scared and overwhelmed by my ex’s interest. I’m biased as a therapist but I really do think therapy is the best answer. She already sees a therapist but I have a strong feeling she is unaware of attachment styles. Please respect our space View community ranking In the Top 10% of largest communities on Reddit. 5 years being focused on improving my interpersonal relationships. Self-Compassion and silencing the inner critic, which is/was the abuser's voice, my mother. I figure as long as I’m upfront about what I’m doing, I wouldn’t be leading anyone on. What you got for 3 months was a masked version and someone playing the part to make it work. I want to learn more about y’all’s experience of it. Please respect our space Looking for any thoughts on my situation. Log In / Sign Up; FA ex ever regret and come back? Fearful Avoidant Question Hey guys. Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. I how the fearful avoidant reacts to a breakup. Sameeee sameeeee. It's like you knew exactly what happened. Technically, a fearful Avoidants will use many justifications (to themselves as well as others) to avoid exposing these basic truths. Great comments. It depends on the I broke up with my avoidant ex last night, after 4 months. Avoiding the issues of intimacy and affection and commitment would usually lead the avoidant to miss your birthday So I have determined that my boyfriend of one year has a fearful avoidant attachment style. A few days later I was walking at the park with a friend, and serendipitously she saw my car and called me. Dumpees grow in spite of avoidant dumpers, not because of them, and no amount of rationalization can alter that reality. So fearful avoidant attachment usually forms from inconsistency, neglect, abuse etc. I am very anxious in my romantic relationships but fearful-avoidant in my friendships. They are moving in together this year, and I have a feeling she is going to marry this person. she did it while crying and said that she didnt want to move on, if i need her she’s still there for me, she didnt want me to leave but also still think that we should break I don't regret it and this conversation has been ongoing. Meaning that I think his oscillations between anxious and avoidant modes were more extreme and happened more frequently (sometimes swinging a few times within a day) than mine. Maybe you understand what I mean. I’ve only ghosted when someone 1. Any input would be R2D2oot Fearful Avoidant [Secure Leaning] • Additional comment actions I broke up with a long term partner after a period of deactivation where a) there was real incompatibility and values differences that I had overlooked in the honeymoon phase and b) I had convinced myself that the relationship was unsalvageable and that I never truly loved him. I lean secure just because I’ve had a secure husband for 17 years. My fearful avoidant boyfriend broke up with me six days ago. I did text her at 2 and a half weeks though just to check on her before I learned about attachment theory. Even when the partner has shown an insurmountable amount of patience to the avoidant, this is met with suspicion and escalating push Fearful avoidant attachment style is nothing but a mesh of beliefs, memories, and expectations hidden in your subconsciousness. Also, there is no approval process (unlike most other attachment theory subs). I feel like I wasted so many years just avoiding life and feeling like it’s because I’m so okay being alone. God. Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. As a fearful avoidant, I had the traits of a dismissive avoidant as well as an anxious person. It’s just romantic relationships I have the fearful avoidant thing going on with - I can’t handle the instability and insecurity of them without losing my freaking mind. I feel so terrible about it Fearful Avoidant girlfriend broke up with me after our first conflict over her ex that I felt uneasy about. It's been an extremely painful ride. I told her she needs to communicate these feelings and boundaries (followed all the advice on YouTube on how to deal with fearful avoidants). Other attachment styles are also welcome and encouraged. The relationship started great and we had an amazing time together, he was extremely open about his past, telling me things that even his family didn’t know, sharing painful details about his past and asked for openness from me. On my breaking up days, I analyze the relationship and every little tiny thing she's done wrong and I feel very disconnected from her emotionally. And that's all I need to know. To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. If one of us started being more anxious & clingy, the other would become more avoidant. I would say in my experience that people who self sabotage typically fall into the avoidant category - so they’re not in touch with their emotions and don’t realise their behaviours. It's Just a The parents would sometimes be there and other times not due to them using which also came with abuse and neglect at times. It deals with your: perceptions, identity, emotional regulation, relationships, process thoughts, etc. Until I limited myself to 1 year, then it became just a few months. On two occasions, If that means reaching for Reddit, then that is what I’m going to do. It’s good for my mental health. Log In / Sign Up; Advertise on Reddit; My fearful avoidant attachment style ruined my best friendship . I didnt realize my ex (adopted) was a fearful avoidant until after the love bombing followed by a weird out of the blue breakup. they took the time and actually started to do the work to heal and can actually show you that. My ex is FA and one thing he told me was that he began to self-sabotage our relationship when things were going really well. Relationships can condition you to move from anxious preoccupied to fearful avoidant if they are unhealthy over time. If they do reach out make sure its 1. Because he was more avoidant with her, Thank you for your response. She might not know why she’s doing this with you, but she probably needs to We're not the best at frequent dates or contact and will use a busy work schedule as an excuse, but we're not flakey and consistancy is super important. I've long since moved past that but at the time I had so much regret and guilt. So strange. Fearful avoidants want and fear love and intimacy in equal measure, and tend to be most comfortable in relationships which have a push and pull dynamic This sounds very similar to my situation with my fearful avoidant ex. Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were Ehh, I wouldn’t exactly pin that behavior on being a fearful avoidant. I don’t understand why i do this. She definitely fits the mold of a fearful avoidant. EDIT: just to add, she’s not an overt avoidant; in the way that my dad is. I always initiate breakups and later always blame myself for them. I think the reason why few people consider themselves fearful is because it's not as distinctive as dismissive or anxious, so a fa The reason varies based on the person and situation but I’ve never ghosted when I liked someone. If their needs are being ignored they would typically exit, cheat or It’s been around a week since I went no contact with my fearful avoidant ex after she broke up with me. they after recently discovering that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment I started to notice how it has affected my past relationships. You haven’t learned how to relate in an emotionally consistent manner. so my ex is a fearful avoidant, after ghosted me for 11 days which i didnt chase her at all because i know the attachment style, we finally talk and she decided to break up with me and think this My fearful avoidant ex of 5 years reached out 3 times and each time we tried again and each time it was the same pattern. I don’t know why you’re being attacked when you’re providing information that is asked for. With this attachment style, there is a push and pull internally that you struggle with. He admitted distracting himself Just because you’re avoidant doesn’t mean you have to play push-pull hot and cold games with your partner. I don't think this applies to all avoidants. 5 year relationship and we broke up several months ago due to my mistakes and my ex eventually was done. Notice that you might be distorting the reality As you learned by now, our realities are merely the projection of our inner worlds. Many avoidant people will just deactivate and hope eventually they get dumped instead. Conversely, the right relationship overtime can help you become more secure. When we are physically together, I feel chemistry with her like I've never felt with anyone else. I also know it would ruin things between me Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. She became so cold towards I dated a fearful avoidant 3 years ago, it was incredible the first 8 months. Recently, I had this situation and it was really insane. You want love and connection, but when you receive what you finally crave, the avoidance /deactivating strategies kick in (cold TL;DR: As an avoidant, I was only able to change after I dated someone even MORE avoidant than I was. I have been in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for a month now. We don’t choose our attachment issues. We were together for 10 months. You have this dire need and desire to My fearful avoidant ex of 5 years reached out 3 times and each time we tried again and each time it was the same pattern. They struggle to find a balanced approach to Usually, an avoidant is convinced he’s not good enough, which leads him to believe he doesn’t deserve to be loved by anyone. However he had trauma from a previous breakup and meant he would push me away, got scared or commitment but then would change his mind saying he wanted a relationship. I will become avoidant or anxious to reach what I call "interest parity". Does she love me now? It's an irrelevant question, because the answer would be, however much she loves me still, she doesn't love me enough to want to overcome her avoidant tendencies, work on herself, and come back to me. Members Online. Anxious Preoccupied - dated Fearful Avoidant for 3 months - we had a disagreement over space and I ended it after her asking for more space triggered me. Anxious Preoccupied show more of an avoidant attitude on a surface level but deep inside, they are just being eaten alive by their Sounds more like dismissive avoidant. But this can take them quite some time. I have a fearful avoidant attachment style, due to a lot of childhood trauma and never really receiving love on a consistent basis. But, if he 15 votes, 11 comments. I have learned and read so much. Hey. I Am,However,Terrified By Emotional Intimancy With Most People. It's chaotic, messy, and toxic especially if we're approached with both anxious and avoidant sides. They’re more consumed by their fears of losing you. I wonder if you usually move on quickly after the break R2D2oot Fearful Avoidant [Secure Leaning] • Additional comment actions I broke up with a long term partner after a period of deactivation where a) there was real incompatibility and values Yup, my last relationship. I’ve had an epiphany recently that I am the “anxious partner” to my mother’s avoidant. But beneath that fearful behavior lies a deeper meaning. Common Misconceptions and Myths about Fearful Avoidant Breakup Regret 1. did something so disrespectful they didn’t Me and my gf (fearful avoidant), have been in a no contact for 46 days, we did not have any fight or disagreement or even a break-up, however, she did ask me for space (due to some things My fearful avoidant ex came back to fix what we had after over a month post BU but I know that's not enough time to really work on one's self so I rejected him. It’s been two years and I can’t get rid of the regret of losing this friend and the guilt of how I treated her. They chose to leave the relationship. Change is terrifying, but regret is worse. one in particular was so great and things started to get pretty Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. People who have a fearful avoidant (or disorganized, which I think is a better term) attachment style typically had traumatic childhoods with deeply inconsistent, chaotic or abusive parents. They have fewer break-up regrets and feel relieved at leaving their partner, but How does a fearful avoidant man typically handle things when they aren't happy with someone in a relationship? What goes through their mind before they discard? And they start to feel regret for what they’ve let go. for me, I was entirely secure until my FA's avoidant tendencies started to show. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. Anyone interested in attachment theory is welcome here, not just fearful-avoidants. My girlfriend is fearful avoidant and she left me. . From all that I’ve read, once FA’s disengage, it’s very hard for them to engage again. A large portion of fearful avoidant especially ones that pull this move have very little self esteem and really don’t know who they are. 18 votes, 26 comments. I tried harder and harder as you did but I don’t regret it or blame myself. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth My ex was avoidant, 35 years old, over 100 guys, not a single relationship. Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment I would say in my experience that people who self sabotage typically fall into the avoidant category - so they’re not in touch with their emotions and don’t realise their behaviours. Take this time to work on yourself and not worry what she’s up to. don’t call me 50 times; don’t send me 100 Let me be clear: if she is used to an abusive situation she is used to her partner ALSO being avoidant. Tyler Ramsey, to help dissect Avoidant discard over a year ago, I've been revisted once and still to this day get indirect communication from her (I do question as to whether I'm a phantom ex). These can be changed via therapy, introspection, courses, etc. We started off great, quickly became very close, but after a month or so she said to me she needed space because things were moving too fast. You want love and connection, but when you receive what you finally If you have gone down a similar path to mine, you probably also ran into the bevy of content that is available on the Fearful Avoidant attachment style. I would say to look inside yourself what exactly drove you to become angry and start to become distant toward him in the first place. Even when the partner has shown an insurmountable amount of patience to the avoidant, this is met with suspicion and escalating push It was very difficult. Do you ever regret it? However, it makes it really tough to know when to end or stay in a relationship as I'm never sure if it's my fearful attachment talking or my actual feelings Reply reply It also sounds like a bit of avoidant behavior as well. I'm trying to organize my thoughts, long post. I was dumped by my fearful-avoidant partner after 4 months together back in February. true Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. They woild have to define what putting in the work means. I wasn’t fully aware of attachment theory at the time, but have since educated myself more and it appears that self-sabotage (shutting down/withdrawing, pulling away, pushing the partner away, etc. How do you do ;D ! I am very emotionally self-aware so despite being fearful avoidant still stuck out relationships when the attraction would And when after the break he said that he broke up because he was stressed out about commitment, I was pretty sure that he is a fearful avoidant. I'm currently being treated for anxiety now, and prior to the break I agreed to start exploring counseling or therapy but unfortunately didn't get there in time. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our I think fearful avoidants are way more common than 7%. I myself am an avoidant person who got out of a LTR (I left my ex). I think because I was so distant and closed off at the start of our relationship, my partner's avoidant side felt safe and in control and for the first six months she was the one pushing our relationship forward and taking the first steps of being vulnerable. Just flings f buddies fwb. It’s actually really helped me to learn to self soothe and become more secure (I typically lean That statement makes me doubt he's an avoidant. ) is a very common trait among Many partners will have been loving, loyal and contributory to the relationship - traits which a secure partner would relish, but can cause a sense of inadequacy in a fearful avoidant partner. In this guide we explore if a fearful avoidant will regret their decision to leave and much more. Everything at the start was perfect, then once he I was in a 3. How to get back with Fearful Avoidant Ex? My ex boyfriend (30M) just broke up with me (29F) suddenly a I hope that at some point he will feel regret for breaking up and ask to get back together again. So unless they’re in therapy or at the very least have someone to help them understand their feelings, they’re not going to realise it. Everything seems to be perfect and i seem to yank myself out of there. They’re no longer focused on their fears about being in a relationship. SA: Securely-Attached AP: Anxious-Preoccupied DA: Dismissive-Avoidant FA: Fearful-Avoidant Fearful avoidant, my first ex it was 2-3 months before I really started feeling that loss. Since this is my 1st time dating someone who leans avoidant, I just wanted some opinions if what is happening between us is typical between anxious/avoidant relationships or if maybe I'm just being blind and not seeing the signs that he's no longer interested. I have heard that with fearful avoidants they will throw up avoidant behaviour after a break up to avoid getting hurt again/overwhelmed by their feelings, but after some distance (no contact) the fear of commitment can subside so they can then process their feelings and accurately assess the relationship for what it was as opposed to the negative views developed in the deactivation I just came to the sad realization that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. He uses it to protect his vulnerable Today we’re going to be talking about the major stages that a fearful avoidant will go through during a breakup. I instantly regret it afterwards and started feeling shame for having been vulnerable (same this that happened with my male friend, which made me want to be a alone for a long time why do fearful avoidants do everything as if you were there partner go on dates hang out with you be all touchy and say they miss you some jump to content. We I fall into the Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant category most, and I could use some help in learning to heal from it and become more secure in my relationships. This girl in the video is Thais Gibson (specialist in attachment styles) I wish I was introduced to her while I was dating my ex. If I feel like they're losing interest in me, I'll either pull away to match them (often overshooting) or will ramp up so my ex is a fearful avoidant, after ghosted me for 11 days which i didnt chase her at all because i know the attachment style, we finally talk and she decided to break up with me and think this isnt gonna work anymore. First of all, I hope you are well. I assume that’s what you’re He’s either dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant leaning dismissive. Please try not to judge I know the situation is bad im a guy and I know To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. Get moving. That sounds brutal. I am fearful avoidant. While we were in a committed relationship, I thought we were secure. Eight months to finally admit that 14 votes, 35 comments. You did not deserve Yes, avoidant do have regrets. I did not know what an avoidant was yet hi, I (19f) have an avoidant attachment style. Get app Get the Reddit app Log In Log in to Reddit. There's a long list of things an avoidant can do to avoid or minimize the harm they do. IE. She blocked me on everything there is so I have no way to reach out to her now to tell her I understand why she suddenly broken things off after things seemed to be fine. Of course I'm biased, but I think he was "more extremely FA" than me. Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. I dated someone who I think is an unaware fearful avoidant. It requires active work to change your habits (therapy or otherwise), and can be helped a lot by having a “good enough” (non abusive) safe person to practice with. They morph into who they think they need to be without really ever obtaining a sense of personal and self identity. It feels too much going through the trauma so I’d rather sabotage with toxic behavior to push someone away only to hate myself after. She told me she's a fearful avoidant, but that she's not always aware of when she acts on it so she asked, if she even "pulled away", to tell her she was doing it. Coming from a former Fearful Avoidant (Long post) upvotes if you plan on being with a fearful avoidant, you better be OK with close to no affection from your partner lol and being very confused a lot and expect to be blamed by the fearful avoidant for the lack of intimacy lmao. what this does is causes someone with fearful avoidant to have trust issues, anger issues, and fears of rejection. If someone actually returned the feelings I would most likely freak out. Share Add a Comment. You say you regret not giving her space, but if you look in your heart, while you regret that because she left, you would feel the same want for clpseness when you get back together, and eventually will be in the same place where you crave closeness so you push, and whenever that is the same thing, her leaving, will likely occur. I assume that’s what you’re talking about - someone being fearful avoidant in a romantic relationship becoming secure over It’s just romantic relationships I have the fearful avoidant thing going on with - I can’t handle the instability and insecurity of them without losing my freaking mind. I get the sense she deactivated very abruptly once an event occurred in our relationship that took a serious step toward intimacy and true commitment. Log In / Sign Up; DO NOT BECOME FRIENDS WITH A FEARFUL AVOIDANT EX. He was sweet and nice and we had so much in common that I couldn’t believe it, but I don’t know, I I spent the week learning about attachment styles, and based on what I know about ber she checked off all of the boxes of a “fearful-avoidant. I don’t think about it at all, and when I do, it’s almost like I think about it from a third-person perspective like it didn’t happen to me. I’m a fearful avoidant and this is 100% me. I think she's highly anxious, because she frequently Hi. In retrospect, he was so avoidant that it made me anxious. upvotes Get app Get the Reddit app Log In Log in to Reddit. When I (fearful avoidant) rang on the 5th day to ask if he was breaking up with me he said of course not. 3-5 weeks? Most likely 3-5 months. I've been seeing someone who looks to be dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant. All the churning hell you’ve been experiencing in the lead up to the break up is gone, and you feel like you can move forward in life again. The child never manages to figure out how to seek connection because nothing works, and so it’s nearly impossible to develop cohesive coping mechanisms (like protest behavior, or avoidance). He's also FA with avoidant tendencies. When you matter to an avoidant they I’m not sure I agree mate. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn about attachment styles until we ended. I was recently in a 6 month situationship with a guy (20m) that I had known for about 6 years. It wasn't until I found out I had fearful avoidant that I realized I was the problem the entire time. I am hurt, but the break-up makes logical sense (long distance, age gap) so it's an interesting I'm not fearful avoidant, but I've been pursuing someone who is for 2. Meaning that I think his oscillations between anxious and avoidant modes were more extreme Get app Get the Reddit app Log In Log in to Reddit. if you plan on being with a fearful avoidant, you better be OK with close to no affection from your partner lol and being very confused a lot and expect to be blamed by the fearful avoidant for the lack of intimacy lmao. I also generally have an unhealthy amount of anxiety and I always share my thoughts with my friend. Or I regret that so bad now. But I'm not sure what Fearful-Avoidant Means Exactly. Often she would say she needs her own time alone. They don't because those things would be at their own expense in some capacity, and avoidants are deeply selfish people. None of them said if they’ve gone through something similar, just to cut your losses and move on. Maintaining a distance between the 2 is the sweet spot you have to hit, but it will become My long distance fearful avoidant ex (29F) broke up with me (30M) out of the blue, and I am shook. Sounds fearful avoidant - leaning avoidant. I'll definitely look into the interdependent reading. So 50K subscribers in the attachment_theory community. distant or mildly abusive but they need to see some enthusiasm at the onset. Reply reply big_jim7 People dealing with a breakup with an avoidant. As I healed my avoidance, I became a super anxious and clingy partner as it was the first time I was feeling deep connection without fear, so it was almost intoxicating. I usually react on the anxious spectrum, but anger rather than clinginess. It can get really confusing for me, because I have a lot of very secure IThis is an old bread, but I had something happened to me yesterday that I realized really relates to consistency. Though I’ll also say, and in this differs from an anxious/avoidant relationship, that often if I became more avoidant at this point, my ex would then become even MORE avoidant. I struggle to trust my ability to meet my own Also got the Fearful-Avoidant attachment and also felt disgust towards healthy love til mid 30s. It’s been a year but I still comment. I wonder if you usually move on quickly after the break up, or you still think or miss your ex and regret breaking up with them? I’m just trying to understand how avoidants are after a break up. 16K subscribers in the FearfulAvoidant community. When in a partnership I deeply, deeply struggle with trusting my own judgment and discernment. I know my ex loved me before she became fearful and dumped me. And here to help us is one of the best fearful avoidant experts in the world, Dr. I have also been in regular therapy for 4 years now, with the lash 1. He initiated a breakup, but wants to remain friends. She was the first person I truly dated as I never felt such a connection with anyone prior to her. Then when my dog died 5 weeks later he never asked me how I was, just carried on as normal. I agreed, of course. Please respect our space. I want to try things again, accepting her for who she is whilst making more time to focus Hi. I have been single for about 2 years now. I myself am an avoidant Healing from fearful avoidant breakup regret is a multifaceted and highly personal journey. There's no real answer to your question of if you will be able to heal or not, but moreso your conviction to overcome your fearful avoidant tendencies. He came to me after he ended a relationship and wanted a relationship with me. The fearful avoidant attachment style, also known as anxious-avoidant attachment, is characterized by conflicting desires for intimacy and avoidance of emotional vulnerability. I'd say I'm 75% secure, 20% avoidant and 5% anxious. Question Stop hiding behind 'finding definitions' and start living them. Penny never dropped as my dad is an even bigger avoidant, so she seemed anxious in that marriage. But in my heart I know I couldn't stay in that relationship any longer, and that's it. This is the reason they stayed together. In the beginning, he loved on me and rushed to get into a relationship, fearing that other people Even if a fearful avoidant dumps you, they will regret it later on. Or Fearful avoidant and anxious breakup . This takes time and starts with small gestures of treating Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. FA/DA here, and in my experience the sense of relief after a breakup is so enormous that it does kind of blot out the sadness. In short, yes. I have both BPD and fearful avoidant attachment (lean toward Avoidant). Fearful avoidant . These paths offer various options and approaches to suit individual needs and - if you're still extremely fearful of rejection, that means that you still tend to attach your value to other people. Processing breakup with fearful avoidant My fiancé (26M) broke up with me (24F) about a month ago after being togetger for almost 4 years. The moment that they enjoy their freedom for up to eight weeks, they will start to miss you. Even at the time I remember wondering why I was getting so upset and stressed about things that never bothered me before. The almost-real time feedback coupled with real-life experience has catapulted my attachment process forward lightyears. If I got too close, she pushed and ran away, too far, she’d pull me back in. Even my 7 year marriage is like a time warp in my brain since my divorce. She acknowledged she has avoidant tendencies, and that she needs to work on it. I should have walked away from her when she was telling me we were not compatible. The parents would sometimes be there and other times not due to them using which also came with abuse and neglect at times. I really do need to normalize being needed. Looking for advice from fearful avoidant attachers Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. Please respect our space I am not a fearful avoidant person (I’m on the anxious ambivalent side) but I’ve heard a lot that it definitely IS possible to correct your attachment style. Reply reply (23M) got a girl's instagram for the first time thanks to a post on reddit. To those who don't know, fearful-avoidant attachment is an adult attachment style that is characterized by the urge to protect oneself and stay away from relationships, Everybody has issues that they run into, and everyone needs advice every now and again. You can also do your own inner work to stay secure as a single person, some people find it helps to have accountability and community to do the work. Fearful avoidants activate quickly, fall madly in love and then get rather sudden triggers that make them claustrophobic. She certainly would be extremely anxious, but would oscillate with a fear of engulfment. She is one of the only people I feel/felt 100% comfortable with. He's a medical professional and we live 3 miles apart. I understand that they have good reason for that, but I like to take a different approach. she does see a future, we are just not a match. I was always so nervous because of it. She might not know why she’s doing this with you, but she probably needs to work on figuring out how to develop healthier ways of dealing with avoidant tendencies. Does So I have determined that my boyfriend of one year has a fearful avoidant attachment style. Historically, I've gotten avoidant towards people who I would consider very emotionally demanding or have some "boundary issues" - wanting to spend constant time together/talk all the time (this is something I wouldn't consider inherently bad - just overwhelming to my avoidant side), a sense of possessiveness/jealousy of me, regularly initiating fights over very small I’m a fearful avoidant I feel terrible after a break up although i mostly try to keep cool and collected around them because I don’t want to make the ex suffer by being dramatic or emotional aside from one time I was cheated on and really lost it and was a mess towards them after break up I don’t think everyone is the same or every avoidant Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. I think the difference was my first breakup I saw coming and was mentally prepared for it so I could trigger my avoidant side and dissociate whereas my second breakup I was blindsided so that triggered my anxious side. I’m also pretty sure that I have a too much attention, too many compliments, demanding my space/time/energy, too many compliments (not trusting someone is also a trigger). Keeping one hand on the edge I only felt regret when she began dating a partner that she was VERY serious with. I have heard that with fearful avoidants they will throw up avoidant behaviour after a break up to avoid getting hurt again/overwhelmed by their feelings, but after some distance (no contact) the fear of commitment can subside so they can then process their feelings and accurately assess the relationship for what it was as opposed to the negative views developed in the deactivation Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. So he pulls away himself. While they can be very similar, BPD is a personality disorder which means having mixed feelings on romantic relationships is only ONE aspect of the disorder. If I feel like they're losing interest in me, I'll either pull away to Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. In a short time ppl just do not change, it takes time and perseverance. My mom is an 8th grade dropout and has the In a way I also use some posts on Reddit as a way to reflect on my own progress and Fearful Avoidant when I first learned about attachment theory a couple years ago and now feel like I'm possibly more Fearful Avoidant. I can totally relatee! The thing with fearful-avoidant is a mixture of two extremes. Coming to my question, my girlfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago and we have been no contact since then. Not sure why this is popping up on my Reddit now, but I want to say thank you for being honest about your attachment patterns, which were very similar to mine in my 20s. nui wewkwly qezvl agj ozegmh jhxt kcfbgt ckyio cvwgdh glle